I am looking for a little birth-mom advice. I would love some input from any of you birth-moms out there, or adoptive moms too!
When we made up our adoption plan, we had wanted to keep it open. Birth-mom requested to see Alex a couple of times over the year, plus Halloween, his Birthday and Christmas. We were open, and excited about this. Our first 3 visits, taking place between Feb and June, went well. At the June visit she made a comment about spacing the visits out more and more. This is fine with us. We love to see her and her kids, but if every other month is too much, then we are ok with that. My biggest nightmare is to lose contact with her all together, but as long as I know how to contact her, I know I can't make her want to see Alex.
Over the last month or so I have found out that she is really struggling with her day to day life. Prior to this set back she has been really open with me, and we would email, and text a lot. Now that she is having a hard time she has not emailed me back, and rarely text me back.
My problem is that I am a "fixer". I want to know everything that is going on with her, and I want to help her move past it. I think that she might be embarrassed about whatever the situation is, and that is why she is putting up a wall to me.
So, my problem is, I don't know if I should keep pushing. I've been texting her pictures, and telling her we miss her. Or do I back off and wait for her to contact me again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
http://queandbrittanysblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/cardinal-rules.html
ReplyDeleteGo to that blog reference. I think #3, #4 & #6 is applicable to this situation.
That would be a tough situation. She is grieving and probably just needs her space. I think what will be best is to write her an e-mail and just say, I don't know everything that you're going through. It has to be really hard. We miss you. And we know how much of a sacrifice this was and we're proud of you. And so is little Alex. And tell her whenever she's ready to contact you then to do so on her own time but you still want to see her. A little friendly reminder every once in a while that you miss her and love her isn't a bad thing. Also, just keep the e-mails going of the updates and pictures. She may not be replying but she's reading them and I'm sure she really appreciates seeing all of that, even if she doesn't say anything. I hope this helps. :)
Followed your comment on Laurie's blog.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience with our daughter's firstmom I'd say just keep sending pictures and messages but maybe space them out a little more. She can choose to look at it then or later if she's not emotionally up to it. Don't stop contact though. I always kept it up no matter how long between contact because I didn't want her to think I didn't want to hear from her. Make sense?
And the bit about wanting to fix her, it is very hard to remember that she is not your responsibility. You have to care for yourself and Alex in the relationship and that's enough. I'm talking from personal experience on that one too.
It's a hard relationship but well worth it.
I'm so glad Stefanie posted that link to my blog! (Thank you Stef!)
ReplyDeleteI was just going to say that even though I wrote the "Cardinal rules of open adoption" I still have a hard time with #3 and break it often. I'm also a fixer and it's difficult because we had such a close relationship with our birth mom pre-placement. Now it's totally different.
Your situation sounds SO much like mine. I read your post and thought "Did I write this?" Hahaha. Open adoption is a mine field of choices sometimes, but as you know it's totally worth it.
Stefanie, I think you might have mis-read a little. Or maybe it is because you are a birth mom, but from what I have been told, our birth mom does not struggle with the adoption, as much as she does with all of the other things in her life.
ReplyDeleteAs far as wanting to "fix" our birth mom it's more like: I want to help her better her life because she has said that is what she wants. I feel like she made me a mother, now what can I do to help here.
The main thing is that she has Alex's brother and sister who I care about deeply, and I just found out that they were taken from her. It kills me to know that, and that is what I want to "fix" for her.
After posting this, I did talk to her. She told me about the kids, and asked if we could meet for dinner to talk more about it.
Thanks for all your loving advice girls! -Jenn