It consumes you!

Some days are fine, and some days I am consumed by our foster situation!  I would say we get 3 days a week to ourselves.  No phone calls, no visits, no appointments, and so on.  The other four days can be draining!
I wonder how, or why people foster!  We had looked into being foster parents in our first year of marriage, and for a few different reasons ended up not doing it.  Now we are doing it because we were called and asked to take the kids and we felt it was what we were "called" to do.  Not only for them, but for Alex, and for us!  During the first two weeks, I wanted to run in the opposite direction and never look back!  Not only were we new to foster care, first time foster parents, but all three of our kids ended up with the flu, all in the first week and a half that we had them.  It ended up taking about a month to get everyone 100% healthy.  On top of that was one of the kids birthday's and Easter.  Things were hard!  They still are!  Now it's hard in a different way.
There are days we wonder if our situation makes it harder.  These are our sons siblings!  This is the woman who gave birth to our son!  There is a tie there that can not be denied!  Sadly we may never know the answer to that, because, at this time, we have both desided that we will not be doing foster care after Alex's siblings!  Whatever the outcome of these children, it does not feel like something we are ment to do!  It's hard to admit, and sad to face, but it truely does consume you! 
There are nights I sit in bed wondering for hours what is going to happen to these little children.  I have had bad dreams about their birthparents.  Last night someone came to our house at 11:45pm, while I was asleep and Joe was reading in bed, and rang the door bell.  We both jumped up in shock and rushed to the door to see who it could be. By the time we got to the peep hole all we could see was a girl in a red car backing out of our driveway.  Wrong house, maybe, but all I could do is fear that someone was trying to get to the kids!  It's sad, but true!  It took me a long time to fall back asleep, and even in the morning I was still a little shaken. 
The children have been with us 14 weeks now, and every day we are growing closer and closer to them!  14 weeks doesn't seem that long, but it feels like they have been here so much longer. 
We have court again in 2 weeks.  Part of me wants to skip it!  Last time it was heart wrenching and I was an emotional mess after, but the "controlling" part of me wants to be there so I can have all of the most current information.
If there are any other foster parents that read this, please feel free to leave me a commnet letting me know how you go about your life without letting it consume you.  Or if you can direct me to a post that has already been writen about this, that would be wonderful too! 

Semi-Open?

I find it very hard to "label" our adoption!  I've been finding with most adoptions, that are "open", you really go through different stages.  When we first brought Alex home we emailed, text, and called his birth mom almost everyday.  I really had a bond with her, and loved her so much that I wanted to "make" everything ok for her after she went home.  I thought if I kept her in our life everyday in some way, that this would help her through.  At two months,and 6 months we also had visits.  She seemed to be handling things well, and I thought our relationship was what it should be. 
As things started to fall apart in her world, so did our relationship.  Emails stopped.  Text and calls were far in between, mostly having to do with her having a new number every couple of weeks, or not have a phone at all.  She stopped asking to visit, and I stopped pushing for visits. By the fall things had really crumbled.  This is when the kids were removed, and she is in a really bad place.  Between this time and Alex's first birthday we had a lot of conversations over text.  I wanted to be there for her.  I've only ever wanted the best for her, and I wanted to help her find it!  By Alex's first birthday I thought things were turning around again, and we invited her to meet up with us for his birthday.  That visit was a nightmare, and it haunted me for weeks after.  That was about the point that I "tired" to cut ties completely!  I did not call, email, or text her anymore.  I have a feeling that she also knew the visit did not go well, because she also stopped contacting me.  I also stopped checking her face book, because the lies, and the drama became too much for me to handle.
That's when the new year hit, and with that came the call asking if we would take the kids!  After spending 2 to 3 weeks trying to cut all ties, trying to get her out of my head, trying to move on, here she was being thrown right into my lap.  So, we did what we needed to do (get licensed) and we took the kids in.  Now it's 4 months into us having the kids and things are even worse for her.  Although she loved the idea of us taking care of the kids at the start, now she is really upset with us, and I think she feels betrayed.  I had gone from caring so much about her and wanting to help, to the kids being my number 1 priority.   I am not sure our relationship with ever be repaired. 
Now she has not seen Alex since December, and I don't think she has even asked about him once, in the last 7 months.  At this point our adoption is "closed" as much as it can be.  It's hard to say that, since we still have to speak with her, while the other kids are in our home.  She will not be seeing him for a long time though.  She is not in a good place in her life, and sadly not someone I am willing to have around Alex.
I truly hope for Alex (and the other two), that she can get on a good path and get things together again some day. Until then I will continue to do everything I can for these three little preciouse gifts!

Foster Care = no planning!

I am a control freak!

This girls HATES long car rides, unless she has lots of toys to keep her busy!

I always have been, and most people who know me, are not afraid to tell me that.  I often try to remind myself to "let go", but it hardly ever works. I like to plan things, and I think things to go a specific way.  It IS NOT that anyone else way of doing things is wrong!  I just feel better if it's done "my" way. This in turn puts a lot of stress on me, but I find it even more stressful to let go and to let others do!

Being a control freak, and foster care DO NOT go well together!  

It's HOT here!

Every night before bed Alex screams "TEETH"

I am at a time in my nanny job when I have to decide if I want to take a pay cut and stay another year, or if I want to move on.  This is something I have been trying to figure out for close to 7 months now!  We were contacted in January about taking Alex's siblings, and nothing has been easy to figure out since!  As long as the two kids are here we do get some help financially, and that does help to cover the pay cut, if I stay. On the same hand we never know how long they are going to be here, and I am not sure I will be ok with the pay cut after they leave.  On top of that, I am not all that happy in my current situation, and after almost 3 years I am feeling like it's time to move on.                    The hard part is all the extra stress of finding my next family.  I feel like it is going to be a little harder now that I have Alex.  The families that I have worked with in the past have always said I could keep working with them, even after I had a child, but will a new family be as open to me bringing my son?  I don't know!  The other thing is the amount of hours that I work there.  I am there from 8-5:30 five days a week, and after 2.5 years that can wear on a person!  I love the family and everything they have done for us, but it just doesn't feel like a good fit anymore.  I need something with a few less hours so I can have more time with all 3 of my kids! 

That pretty much sums it up.

Hand in hand, we are walking on. 

We Are Still Here

We are still here!  I have taken a few steps back with my blog!  I went from writing post and publishing them, to writing post and keeping them as drafts, to just not writing at all, which breaks my heart!  I really need to set the time aside to write, because it makes me happy and helps keep me going. I have been checking in to read all the blogs I follow, so at least there is that!
We still have "princess", and "big boy".  We are going on 13 weeks.  We are having less "downs", and a lot more "ups", so that makes for a much happier home! 
Alex is 19 months old now, and is a real spit fire!  He talks nonstop, and has been asking to go "POTTY"! We let him sit on it when ever he ask, but he has yet to go while on it.  He is trying really hard to keep up with the other two and everything they do! 
We have a little kid pool that we set up in the backyard every weekend, and that is where we spend a lot of our time!
What do you know, someone is screaming "MOMMY"!  More to come......