Good Bye.

As I wrote about early this week, my grandma was not doing well.  We rushed up to see her Sunday which you can read about here Last visit with grandma.  It went very well and as we were leaving I told her I would be back Tuesday.  I repeated Tuesday over and over to her, and even told her that it was two days away.  In my head I was hoping that if I told her when I was going to be back it would help her to hold on and be strong until I came back to see her again. 
When Tuesday came I couldn't get a hold of my dad to see if he was going to meet me up there, my brother was running late, my sister didn't want to go, gas was almost $4 a gallon, it's an hour drive, Alex needed a nap, I was going up again the next two Saturdays, excuse, excuse, excuse. I didn't end up going.  I talked to my step mom and she confirmed that I had already been up there and had an amazing visit.  She said if anything changed she would call me and I could get up there right away. I left it with the plan of going up Saturday. 
Today my dad called to tell me that grandma passed away last night.  My heart sunk. All I could think was that the last thing I had said to my grandma was a lie!  I told her I would be there Tuesday and I never showed up. She held on and I never came. I feel like such a horrible person today.  I will never let go of the guilt of not going. The guilt of not going to see her one more time. The guilt of telling her I would be there in two days, and never showing up.
My brother did go on Tuesday so I called him today to ask him how she was on Tuesday. He said she did not speak and only stared off into space.  I thought it might make me feel better to hear that, but it doesn't. I thought I wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe she didn't notice that I didn't come back.  Maybe she was too far gone to notice that I didn't stick to what I had said.  No of that matters, I still feel just as bad!

I miss you Grandma and I am so sorry I didn't come up on Tuesday!

Me with grandma in 2009